Grief: The Gut-Wrenching Truth About Losing a Parent

Dear God,

In my pain I turned away. I’m sorry. I was hurt. I blamed you. I was angry. I didn’t know any better. I felt like you took away the joy and peace that you gave me. Im working on knowing that you give and you take and you still love me. Help me to accept your will even when it isn’t my way.

Amen

Being open about grief isn’t easy when you’re still honestly grieving. I’d be remised if I didn’t acknowledge a few people. First God. Boy I don’t deserve your grace. However, through it all, you always provide it. When I don’t know myself, you are there walking me through. To my mom…your presence and attempted comfort is not overlooked. My children. God knows I would be nothing without you. You call and make me laugh when you don’t know it’s needed. To my best friend, even though you live in Durham you’ve made sure your presence was felt. Forever my girl. I love you forever. God knew I needed you. Last but not least, my headache…the homie, my buddy. You allowed me to experience grief for the first time when it comes to my parents. Thank you for letting me grieve. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for letting me feel. You’re a big deal and you’re pretty darn dope. I couldn’t have faced this without you.

In 2020, I lost my dad and stepmom (mom) to Covid—just nine days apart. It happened the week one of my favorite uncles (very EX in-laws) also passed away. God couldn’t have picked a worse time.

I got a call from my very EX spouse who was around the corner at work. I fell to the floor but quickly gathered myself to inform my kids. Who too dropped to the ground heartbroken.

I didn’t realize how devastating and disgusting grief was until this year, when I finally let grief in.

At the time, life didn’t give me the space to fall apart long. My baby sisters welcomed new babies, and I worried about their well-being. I was blindsided with talk of divorce just days after mom died and the day before dad passed. Grief? I didn’t even know what that meant. I was parenting three children, now by myself. I was helping them navigate their own grief. Then two months later, I took in my baby sister’s five-month-old daughter. I was handling house bills once for two people by myself, navigating remote school, sports, autism, working from home—all while the world was SHUT down. My feelings? Well I followed suit…I shut them down too. I learned how NOT to feel.

Fast forward to 2025, and for the first time, I became still enough to feel. My world has gotten quieter. My circle is smaller. Finally one friend gave me permission to embrace grief. Holy shit—excuse my French—but I wasn’t ready!

What is this…feeling? It is pure pain. The hurt. The darkness. The emptiness.

I wanted to hide in a corner and sleep it away, but I couldn’t. I had to live through it. Smile in my family’s face. Rip the band-aid off and face the truth: I’ll never see them again. Even though after years of not having them I just got them back.

This is my new norm. And no, I’m not okay with it. I was not ready. I needed more time. The worst part. I only have one sister and my niece on my dad’s side. I know nothing and no one and they’re gone.

For years, I was angry at God. I stopped going to church. This prayer warrior stopped praying. I didn’t care if people didn’t pray for me. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to pretend my hurt didn’t exist. I locked my true feelings up so far away that I believed I was ok. I was not. I honestly didn’t even know who I really was. I got up. I got through the day. I cried at night if and when I was alone. I started over. Man that alone time…the late night talks with God. Let’s just say the conversations won’t be repeated. I’m glad they’re between He and I. We’ve made peace, but the anger was real. I am glad His Grace is sufficient an His mercy is forever.

I am hurting. There are no encouraging words this time guys. The truth is, there’s a hole in my heart that I patch up every now and again. Something reminds me of them causing my heart to pump strong and boom…the pain is real raw all over again.

I do not have the answers of how to get by. Other than lean hard on your friends and family and most important trust God to give you strength. If you have your parents cherish them. Even if you’re not on best of terms. Once they’re gone; that’s it.

With love, faith, grace and grief,

Simply Shaye 💔

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